i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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