My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
