She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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