Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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