So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So squirting runs in the family.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
