Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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