hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
3pm strippers are depressing
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
