Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
