So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
