I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
