We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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