in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
