His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
