I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
