You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
