I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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