so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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