Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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