we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
