his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
