I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
