how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
