I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
