I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
