so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
