I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
