I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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