i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
