I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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