New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
