FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
