I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
