apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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