just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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