Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
