People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
