Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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