I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
