I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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