I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Green mimosas i think yes
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
