Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
