So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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