So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish they made helmets for livers.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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