I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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