I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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