She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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