Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
