My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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