When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I cannot find my penis.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
