my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
