This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
