I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
