I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
