Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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