So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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