im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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