dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i dont even know how to be here
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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