Cold hands, warm shart.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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