my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
