dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
